ACT ONE
INT. KRAMDEN APARTMENT – NIGHT
Alice is fixing dinner. An unhappy Ralph enters in his bus driver’s uniform.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)
RALPH
Not a word. Not a word. Just gimme my dinner and I’m going straight to bed.
ALICE
But Ralph, you know the Nortons were coming over tonight to play hearts.
RALPH
Hearts, Alice? Hearts?! With the day I had, the only thing I’ll be playing tonight is “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star.”
ALICE
Okay, Liberace, I’ll bite. Just what happened today that’s so terrible the Nortons can’t come over?
RALPH
All right. The bus was crowded see? And this one passenger, you know, from downtown see? Wouldn’t go to the back of the bus. Miss Rosa Parks. A blabbermouth, Alice. A real blabbermouth!
NORTON enters, flashing a deck of cards.
(APPLAUSE, CHEERS)
NORTON
What’s the good word, Ralphie boy?
RALPH
I got no time for shenanigans Norton. Because of my passenger there’s a boycott against the Montgomery Bus line. A boycott! Mr. Marshall’s gonna kill me!
NORTON
Passenger huh? What did they do?
RALPH
Wouldn’t move to the back of the bus.
NORTON
That’s odd.
RALPH
What’s odd?
NORTON
With someone as fat as you driving, I thought everyone rode in the back of the bus!
RALPH
Out Out Out!!!
A flustered Norton drops his cards. There is a knock on the door.
ALICE
I’ll get it. My mother’s here to join us for dinner.
RALPH
(anguished moan)
A perfect night gets even worse.
Alice opens the door. Her mother sees Ralph moping.
ALICE’S MOTHER
So, what did Mr. Wonderful do now?
ALICE
He made a passenger go to the back of the bus and now there’s a boycott.
ALICE’S MOTHER
Well, Alice, it’s not my business but…
Over Ralph’s increasingly angered face we hear —
ALICE’S MOTHER (CONT’D)
You could’ve married Sherwood Thurlby. He’s a lawyer now. Earns a good living. Makes his money in a racist system while still being a gentleman. I hear he’s about to buy a line of segregated chicken shacks. I’m sure Ralph knows his share about chickens. No doubt he’s eaten every one in the coop.
RALPH
That’s it!!! You’re a blabbermouth! Rosa Parks is a blabbermouth! You’re all blabbermouths! Out! Out! Out!!!!
Norton and Alice’s mother flee the room. We push in on a dejected Ralph’s face as we hear a SOUR HORN.
INT. KRAMDEN KITCHEN – DAY
No one can be seen. There is a knock, then Norton enters. Seeing he is alone, he takes a turkey drumstick from the icebox. He hears Ralph from the bedroom.
RALPH (O.S.)
Norton, is that you?
NORTON
(mouth full)
Uh-huh.
RALPH (O.S.)
Well, I got some good news. I was feelin’ down, you know, over this boycott and everything, then I got a fan letter. Some hoity-toity bigshots want me to join their club. They even sent over a uniform.
Ralph emerges from the bedroom dressed head-to-toe in a KKK outfit. Norton’s turkey leg remains stuck in his mouth.
RALPH
Well, how about it? Whadya think?
NORTON
(takes turkey leg from mouth)
You remind me of something…I got it — the blizzard of ’38!
RALPH
(pulls off hood)
Knock it off! These guys like me. They said someday I might even be the Grand Dragon.
NORTON
That’s odd.
RALPH
What’s odd?
NORTON
I figured you more as the Great White Whale!
RALPH
Out. Out! Out!!!!
Norton leaves. Ralph sits at the table rubbing his face as we hear a SOUR HORN.
END OF ACT ONE
(COMMERCIAL – SLOT FOR LI’L COWPOKE CHEWING TOBACCO.)
ACT TWO
INT. KRAMDEN KITCHEN – DAY
A group of men, including Ralph and Norton, stand drinking beers. THE LEADER approaches.
KLEAGLE
Candidate Kramden, you have struck a mighty, mighty blow. It’s a pleasure to welcome you into our brotherhood.
RALPH
Thank you, sir. The only thing we ever joined before is the Raccoon lodge.
KLEAGLE
(catches self)
Oh, rac-coons.
RALPH
(misunderstanding)
Only the highest class of people, sir. Fatso Fogerty, Crazy Guggenheim, Nuthouse McGhee…
KLEAGLE
Maybe we should just begin the meeting. If you could please put on your sacred raiments, gentlemen.
All including Ralph and Norton put on their white sheets and pillowcases.
KLEAGLE (CONT’D)
Now before we swear our oath to Liberty and White Supremacy, let us dance to our solemn hymn.
He puts on a phonograph playing “Dixie.” The members start dancing. Ralph in his outfit stands out with an exuberant Jackie Gleason dance. He begins waltzing with Norton. Just then the door opens. Alice enters. The music screeches to a halt.
ALICE
What in the world? Ralph Kramden, are you in this Halloween parade?
RALPH
(terrified)
Homina homina homina…
Ralph pulls off his pillowcase.
RALPH (CONT’D)
What are you doing here? I thought you were meetin’ someone for lunch!
ALICE
I was, Ralph. Miss Rosa Parks.
Rosa Parks enters.
(AUDIENCE “UH OH!”)
RALPH
(terrified)
Posa Narks. I mean, Nosa Barks. I mean ay yi yi…
ROSA
Mr. Kramden, I want to ask you something. Who wrote “all men are created equal?”
RALPH
Uh…Leon Trotsky?
ROSA
Thomas Jefferson.
NORTON
(laughs and points at Ralph)
Look, an elephant with a lousy memory.
ALICE
Ed Norton, does Trixie know you cut up her good pillowcase?
NORTON
(pulls off hood)
I’m doomed.
Alice turns to the Kleagle.
ALICE
Sir, are you aware that both of these prize recruits of yours are Catholics?
KLAN MEMBERS gasp, mutter unhappily.
NORTON
Now, now Alice that ain’t exactly true. Ralph here is one-eighth Jewish. And an eighth of him is plenty!
RALPH
What’s Gramma Kramowitz got to do with anything?!
KLEAGLE
I’m afraid, sir, that’s got everything to do with everything…Candidates Kramden and Norton, we no longer want you in our ancient, sacred organization that dates back to 1915. Let’s go, gentlemen.
Led by their haughty Kleagle, the Klan members stiffly file out.
NORTON
Well, let me tell you guys something. I think you stink…and I spend all day in the sewer!
Ralph hugs Alice.
RALPH
Once again you’ve saved me from a BIIIIIG mistake. Baby, you’re the greatest.
Norton stands beside Rosa Parks.
NORTON
I’ve heard of black and white TV but this is ridiculous!
Rosa slaps his arm at the joke, over --
APPLAUSE
AND OUT. ◊
Al Jean (@aljeansimpsons.bsky.social) is pleased to return to his print roots after 25 years of heaven at The Simpsons. Al is hoping that this article finally lands him a staff job on Saturday Night Live.
