OPEN ON: Photo of Abe Lincoln without beard. His eyebrows should be paint-boxed down to a thinner version of their naturally bushy selves.)
(MUSIC: “BATTLE HYMN OF THE REPUBLIC”)
(CHYRON: CRAWL OF ANNOUNCER V.O.)
ANNOUNCER: (V.O.)…In 1860, an eleven-year-old girl named Grace Bedell wrote a letter to President Lincoln, suggesting he grow a beard, as his face appeared too thin.
(DISS. TO: PHOTO OF LINCOLN WITH BEARD)
…The beard proved to be a huge success, and soon Lincoln began poring over children’s letters to him in desperate hopes of discovering even more image-enhancing suggestions…
(DISS. TO: PHOTO OF WHITE HOUSE, CIRCA 1860)
(DISS. TO: INT. OVAL OFFICE. LINCOLN IS BEHIND HIS DESK. HIS ADVISOR IS SEATED BEFORE THE DESK, A STACK OF CHILDREN’S LETTERS BEFORE HIM)
LINCOLN: OK, let’s move on to the next one.
ADVISOR: (reading) …”Dear President Lincoln…” Oh, look, she spelled it “Prezel-dent.”
LINCOLN: (impatient) Yeah, yeah, c’mon.
ADVISOR: “Dear President Lincoln. I am eight years old. I live in Bedford, Massachusetts. It snows here. Does it snow in Washington?…”
(LINCOLN MOTIONS TO HURRY IT UP)
…blah-blah-blah… “I like your beard. I think it looks good…”
(LINCOLN MOTIONS AGAIN)
…bIah-blah-blah…Okay, here: “What if you had bushy eyebrows? I think it would make you look better.”
LINCOLN: Bushy eyebrows? Hmm? Do we have that?
ADVISOR: Yessir, Mr. President. I took the liberty of securing some…
(ADVISOR PULLS OUT SOME BUSHY FALSE EYEBROWS FROM A BOX OR CHEST AT HIS FEET. LINCOLN TAKES THEM AND, USING A MIRROR, QUICKLY STICKS THEM ON)
LINCOLN: All right, let’s give it a try…
(LINCOLN STRIDES THROUGH THE OPEN FRENCH DOORS BEHIND HIS DESK, OUT ONTO THE BALCONY)
(CUT TO: EXT. BALCONY. LINCOLN WAVES, AS IF TO A CROWD O.S.)
(SFX: CHEERS)
(LINCOLN RETURNS)
LINCOLN: Okay, that works. They liked that. What else do we have?
(ADVISOR GOES TO NEXT LETTER)
ADVISOR: (reading) “Dear President Lincoln…”
LINCOLN: Just gimme the gist of it.
ADVISOR: Well, sir, this is a little girl from Pennsylvania who thinks you should wear lipstick.
LINCOLN: Lipstick, huh? What the heck. Let’s give it a shot.
(ADVISOR HANDS LINCOLN A LIPSTICK TUBE. USING MIRROR, LINCOLN PUTS ON LIPSTICK AND WALKS OUT ONTO BALCONY AND WAVES)
(SFX: ONE PERSON CLAPPING)
(LINCOLN RETURNS INSIDE)
LINCOLN: (cont’d) Hoo, boy, that didn’t go.
ADVISOR: One guy liked it.
LINCOLN: Yeah, I think it was the same guy who liked the can-can dress. Wait, let me try it with these...
(LINCOLN TAKES SOMETHING FROM HIS DRAWER AND STICKS IT IN HIS MOUTH. HE WALKS TO BALCONY AND GRINS. HE HAS FAKE VAMPIRE TEETH) (SFX: CRICKETS) (LINCOLN WALKS BACK IN, TAKES OUT TEETH)
LINCOLN: (cont’d) Ouch! Nothing that time. What’s next?
(ADVISOR MOVES ONTO NEXT LETTER. AS LINCOLN WIPES OFF LIPSTICK)
ADVISOR: This one is from a ten-year-old boy in Maryland. He thinks a fake tomahawk on the head would be good.
LINCOLN: I don’t know. What do you think?
(ADVISOR PULLS OUT A FAKE TOMAHAWK-IN-THE-HEAD)
ADVISOR: We’ve got it. You might as well…
(LINCOLN PUTS IT ON AND STEPS OUT ONTO BALCONY)
(SFX: BIG BOOS)
(LINCOLN RETURNS INSIDE)
LINCOLN: Boy, they hated that.
(TAKES OFF TOMAHAWK. ADVISOR PULLS OUT A FANCY TURBAN AND HANDS IT TO LINCOLN)
ADVISOR: You want to try the turban? That’s the suggestion from the nine-year-old in Cincinnati.
LINCOLN: (taking it) Sure, why not. Now, what about the stovepipe hat? They liked that, didn’t they?
(PUTS ON TURBAN)
ADVISOR: Yeah, they did. A lot.
LINCOLN: Okav. give it to me. I want to try something.
(ADVISOR HANDS LINCOLN A STOVEPIPE HAT. LINCOLN STEPS OUT ONTO BALCONY WEARING TURBAN)
(SFX: CHEERS)
(HE TAKES OFF TURBAN AND PUTS ON STOVEPIPE HAT)
(SFX: BIGGER CHEERS)
(TAKES OFF HAT, PUTS TURBAN BACK ON)
(SFX: A LITTLE LESS CHEERING)
(LINCOLN TURNS, RE-ENTERS OFFICE)
LINCOLN: The turban is good, but I think it’s still the hat.
ADVISOR: I agree, Mister President.
(NEXT LETTER)
The next one is a parrot on the shoulder, like a pirate.
(ADVISOR TAKES OUT A STUFFED PARROT AND TOSSES IT TO LINCOLN, WHO SETS IT ON HIS SHOULDER)
(SFX: BOOS)
LINCOLN: Oh, they can see me through the window and they’re already booing.
ADVISOR: We’Il forget that one. Do you even want to try the monkey?
LINCOLN: Naw, I don’t think so. That one scares me.
ADVISOR: All right, that leaves Zontar.
LINCOLN: Zontar?
ADVISOR: Remember? The little boy from Rhode Island wrote in and said you should have an alien from outer space as your next vice president. . .?
LINCOLN: Oh, yeah, right, right...
(ADVISOR CROSSES, OPENS DOOR TO OTHER ROOM)
ADVISOR: (to O.S.) Zontar, please come in.
(A WEIRD ALIEN FROM OUTER SPACE ENTERS)
LINCOLN: (extended hand) Zontar…
ZONTAR:
(shaking hands) A pleasure, Mister President.
LINCOLN:
Welcome to our planet. Shall we give it a shot?
(LINCOLN AND ZONTAR GO OUT ONTO THE BALCONY)
(LINCOLN HOLDS UP ZONTAR’S HAND IN A VICTORY POSE)
(SFX: BOOS)
(ZONTAR AND LINCOLN SHRUG AND RE-ENTER OFFICE)
LINCOLN:
Well, thanks anyway, Zontar.
ZONTAR:
Mister President, if you don’t mind, I’d like to try it again. But this time…
(ZONTAR REACHES OVER AND PUTS TURBAN ON HIS ALIEN HEAD)
(THEY WALK OUT AGAIN ONTO BALCONY AND DO VICTORY POSE)
(SFX: BIG BOOS)
(THEY RE-ENTER. ZONTAR TAKES OFF TURBAN)
LINCOLN: (consoling) It’s okay. They’re just not buying it.
(ZONTAR EXITS. LINCOLN THINKS FOR A BEAT, THEN:)
LINCOLN: What about the toga?
ADVISOR: We could try it again.
LINCOLN: Let’s. I don’t think I had it on right last time.
(ADVISOR GETS A TOGA FROM THE BOX. AS HE HELPS LINCOLN INTO IT, WE)
(FADE) ◊
Best known for his “Deep Thoughts,” New Yorker regular JACK HANDEY has written two novels, The Stench of Honolulu and Escape From Hawaii.
