Many Americans Won't Get COVID Checks. Here's a List.

The cast of Hamilton
Subscribers to The NY Times
Adam Schiff
Mitt Romney
Michael Cohen
All people named “Rosie”
The cast, crew, and studio audience of SNL
All Black people except Diamond & Silk, Kanye and Ben Carson
Joe Biden
Hunter Biden
Any reporters “working for China”
Anthony Scaramucci
Omarosa
Anyone with the last name Schumer
Mueller, Comey, and the Deep State Choir
Stormy Daniels
“Crazy Bernie”, just to prove to him Socialism doesn’t work
John Bolton
The entire nation of Puerto Rico
Ted Cruz’s dad
That Lady Governor
Lt. Col. Vindman
The Other Lt. Col. Vindman, you never know when they’ll pull the old switcheroo 
Season ticket holders of the New Jersey Generals, who weren’t really behind us
Rex Tillerson
Nancy Pelosi
Generals Mattis, Kelly and McAdams
Everyone who ever served on the U.S.S. Theodore Roosevelt
Any woman below 8, 8.5 somewhere around that point
Subscribers to The Washington Post
Assorted Losers, Haters, and Enemies of the People, we’ll let you know after we do it
Tiffany Trump ◊

PAUL LANDER is a writer living in Los Angeles.