BY SIMON RICH • According to scientists, climate change has begun to threaten the survival of the stag beetle (lucanus cervus), a family of insects that once thrived in great numbers across Europe. To get a new perspective on the crisis, I interviewed one of them.—SR
SR: What’s the best way we can help you guys?
B: Easy. Wipe us off the face of the fucking earth.
SR: So you’re saying we’ve made the environment so terrible, you actually long for death?
B: Oh no, we’ve wanted out since day one. Our lives are a living hell. Digging through dirt, crawling around. It’s a nightmare. When you humans first came on the scene, we looked at each other like, “Thank God, this is it, these guys are gonna step on us and put us out of our fucking misery.” Then you do the mammoths, you do the dodos, and we’re waiting around, like, “When’s our turn?” Still waiting.
SR: If you want to die why do you keep reproducing? I mean, I see you guys mating constantly.
B: That’s us trying to kill each other. Every few minutes, we look at each other and psych ourselves up, like, “Come on, let’s just fucking do each other.” And then we charge at each other, really hard, and every time it’s like, “Fuck. Worst-case scenario.” Then there’s three hundred more, and they always say the same thing when they’re born: “What the fuck is this shit?” And you have to be like, “Yeah, fuck, I’m sorry, I don’t know what to tell you.” Step on me.
SR: What?
B: Step on me. Fucking kill me, right now, straight up.
SR: No.
B: Why not?
SR: I’m a journalist. I can’t get involved.
B: Please.
SR: No.
B: You a Jew?
SR: What?
B: I asked if you’re a Jew.
SR: What’s that got do with anything?
B: Yes or no?
SR: Yes. I happen to be Jewish.
B: Figures.
SR: What’s that supposed to mean?
B: I think you know.
SR: Are you trying to antagonize me into stepping on you? Because it’s not going to work.
B: Fuck!
SIMON RICH is the author of New Teeth, Hits & Misses, Spoiled Brats, and at least three or four other books I’d count among my favorite humor collections.
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