D.J.: Tonight we present one of my all-time favorite movies, The Road Warrior, adapted for radio by the St. Louis Broadcast Workshop.
(MUSIC: ROAD WARRIOR OPENING THEME)
Gyrocopter Pilot: I remember the Road Warrior. The man we called Max. In the years that followed the Great War between the Super Powers he wandered out into the wasteland in search of the now-precious juice... gasoline.
(MUSIC: TRANSITION)
Max: Let go of that gas can.
Gyrocopter Pilot: That’s my juice, mate.
Max: Like hell! I found it, in this overturned truck!
Gyrocopter Pilot: I need it for my gyrocopter!
Max: What about my car?
Gyrocopter Pilot: All right! We’ll share it! Damn, people will kill each other for gas in this bizarre post-apocalyptic society.
Max: You said it. Hey, what’s that down there?
Gyrocopter Pilot: Where?
Max: Way in the distance, in that desert valley. It’s some sort of heavily-fortified colony. Here, use the binoculars.
Gyrocopter Pilot: Oh, yes, now I see. It appears to be a makeshift refinery for turning crude oil into gasoline.
Max: Hmm. Resourceful of them. Not like those cutthroat savages who murder and scavenge and plunder…
Gyrocopter Pilot: Hey, look over there!
Max: Well, I’ll be damned! It’s a little boy, with long straggly hair and weird clothing that looks almost like a caveman’s.
(to boy)
Hello, there! What’s your name?
Gyrocopter Pilot: Seems he can’t speak.
Max: Yes, but there’s something in his demeanor that makes me think he could be a valuable ally. I’ll take him with me to the fortress. We’ll be back with some juice.
(SFX: CAR ROARING TO LIFE)
(MUSIC: TRANSITION)
Blonde Warrior: Open the gate for the stranger!
(SFX: BUS MOVING)
Max: (thinking aloud) How interesting. They’ve used a school bus to form a crude barricade.
Blonde Warrior: State your business.
Max: (thinking) Wow, she’s a knockout. Her clothing is a bit strange and futuristic, but what a body! She really brightens up this harsh landscape.
Blonde Warrior: We cannot admit strangers! They try to steal our fuel… although now that I look in your eyes, I see that there’s a certain intelligence and soulfulness there. I’m more inclined to trust you.
Max: Thanks.
Blonde Warrior: And I like this little wolfboy, too. He seems nice.
Max: He is.
Pappagallo: (shouting) Close the gate!
Gyrocopter Pilot: They’re coming!
(SFX: HUBBUB, SHOUTING, APPROACHING HOT-RODS)
Blonde Warrior: Look at them all! Stretching across the horizon!
Max: Look at that weird clothing! And those bizarre haircuts. Every one’s a different color!
Blonde Warrior: Have you ever seen such a strange collection of vehicles?
Max: Obviously, they’ve been built from scavenged auto parts!
Blonde Warrior: Hey, that big guy with the mask is talking to the guy with the red mohawk.
Humungus: Let me do the talking!
Mohawk: Okay.
Humungus: (shouting) Greetings! I am the Lord Humungus! We intend to seize your supply of juice! Walk away from it now, and your lives will be spared! Anyone who disobeys will be shot with this crossbow I’m holding.
Mohawk: Hey, that little kid just threw a boomerang at us! See it spinning through the air?
Humungus: Well, can’t you just catch it?
Mohawk: Sure, why not? (screams) YEEOOW! It cut my fingers off!
Humungus: (shouting) Fools! We will be back tomorrow. None of you will get out alive!
(to his men) Move out!
(SFX: CARS ROARING AWAY)
(MUSIC: TRANSITION)
Blonde Warrior: It’s hopeless! They have us outnumbered. We must leave in a convoy, with a tanker truck full of juice. I want you to drive the tanker.
Max: Don’t you already have a leader?
Blonde Warrior: Yes, but he’s weak. That man over there…
Phil: That blonde guy?
Blonde Warrior: Yes.
Max: Well, he is a bit older than me. I’d say about 45. And there’s a certain weariness to him—an air of defeat. All right, I’ll lead the convoy.
(MUSIC: TIME PASSAGE)
Gyrocopter Pilot: This is it, everybody. Start your engines.
(SFX: MANY ENGINES STARTING UP)
Blonde Warrior: Max, I’ll be riding shotgun on top of the tanker. And I’m glad you’re letting the wild boy ride in the cab with you. Ready, wild boy? Good, your smile tells me “yes.”
Max: Okay, let’s do it!
(MUSIC: TRIUMPHANT)
(SFX: MANY CARS ROARING AWAY)
Blonde Warrior: (shouting) Max! I think it’s going to work!
Max: Not so fast! Look!
Blonde Warrior: Oh, I see what you mean! Humungus and his men…They’re right on our tails!
(SFX: MORE CARS)
Max: Hey, that Mohawk guy has a grappling hook! I wonder what he’s planning...
(SFX: ENGINE ROARING CLOSE)
Mohawk: I’ll just throw this grappling hook at the speeding tanker... Hey, it caught on his door and tore it off!
(SFX: CLATTER)
I’d better try again. Hey, this time, it caught onto something solid. Now I can use the rope to swing onto the tanker truck. Here goes…
(SFX: THUD, FOLLOWED BY CRASHES)
It worked! Hey, wow! The car I jumped out of flipped over and then two other cars smashed into it! Heh! Heh!
Blonde Warrior: Max! The guy with the Mohawk is on the tanker! And Humungus is ramming us with his car! He has that thing that can shoot 4 arrows!
Max: Look out!
Blonde Warrior: AAGH! All four of them hit me! AAAGH!
(SFX: SMASHING GLASS)
Max: Wild boy! I need the shotgun shells. They rolled onto the hood when the mohawk guy smashed the windshield just then! Crawl out there and get them! Do you understand?
(BEAT)
Good! You’re doing it! You’re almost to the shotgun shells!
Mohawk: (battle cry) AIIEEE!
Max: Oh, no! The Mohawk guy just loomed out of nowhere! He’s going to kill the wild boy!
Mohawk: You’re dead, kid! Hey what’s that? An oncoming truck? We’re going to hit it!
(SFX: CRASH)
Mohawk: AHHGHGH! My body was crushed between the two trucks! I’m hitting the pavement!! Now all the cars are running over my body!!! I’M DEAAAAADD!!!
(SFX: GYROCOPTER)
Gyrocopter Pilot: Oh no! From up here in my gyrocopter, I can see that the tanker truck has crashed and flipped over. Well, at least the convoy is getting away!
(SFX: CARAVAN OF CARS RECEDING)
Max: Wow! What a crash! Am I all right? Yes, I think so. Got to crawl out of this wreckage… Hey, there’s the wild boy. Better drag him free too, before this thing explodes! Wait a minute, what’s this? Look, wild boy! Look what’s leaking out of the tanker truck! It’s sand! Not gasoline, just sand! What do you think that means? Oh, I get it. They hid the gas in all the smaller vehicles. Our tanker was just a decoy. Very clever. But then again, they kind of used me, so it’s sort of a bittersweet feeling... Oh, well. It’s over now. Guess I might as well start walking down the road here...
Wild Boy: (narrating) That was the last I ever saw of the Road Warrior. You see, I’m the little wild boy, all grown up now. Are you surprised? Well, someone taught me English. But I’ll never forget the expression on the Road Warrior’s face that day. That look will forever haunt my soul.
(MUSIC: FINALE)
D.J.: We hope you’ve enjoyed The Road Warrior. Next week, don’t miss the radio version of Gravity.
Astronaut: Phew, I missed the solar panel! But now I’m going to hit some other thing! OOOGH! ◊
GEORGE MEYER's hobbies include gambling and collecting memorabilia. Mike's downstairs neighbor taught him yoga. This piece was written before we knew what Mel Gibson was really like.
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