Happy Selection Sunday, Bystanders and basketball fans!
The American Bystander is a reader-supported publication that proudly endorses the Villanova Wildcats. (Okay, that’s just me—I wrote this quick and dirty and MG doesn’t know I slipped this in.)
Since you’ve already read my inaugural sex advice column, The Foxhole, you know I’m a nerd about three things (marketing, the occult, and tapping ass). But guess what? I contain multitudes, so here’s a fourth.
Other humor magazines might assume you don’t care about sports. Other humor magazines might think you don’t remember Kris Jenkins’ buzzer-beater in 2016. Hell, The Buzzer-beater of All Time. “Bang.”
Other humor magazines might assume you don’t know all the words to One Shining Moment. And other humor magazines don’t have opinions about whether Teddy Pendergrass or Luther Vandross did it better. (It’s Vandross. I will NOT discuss Ne-Yo.)
Other humor magazine General Managers might not understand the sublime pleasure and exquisite pain that is March Madness. The research. The consulting of oracles. The interpretation of omens. The careful picking of your upsets. The hubris of “this year I’ve finally nailed it. Perfect Bracket, Perfect Life here I come. I am a college basketball God.”
Other humor magazine GMs probably don’t even have a lucky fill-out-your-bracket theme song. (It’s The Steve Miller Band’s The Joker: “I’m a picker, I’m a grinner…”)
Other humor magazine GMs might not understand the soul-crushing misery of being Bracket Busted by Thursday night. Spartans, WHY?!?! (In 2016, I had the Spartans winning it all and they stupid lost to a stupid 15 seed on the first stupid day.)
Other GMs don’t get how it feels to do the math after a total bloodbath of a tourney day, calculating how many games you have to win to come in first place. How many of your Elite Eight are left? How many of your Final Four?
And they don’t get how all of this is more fun than when you’re actually winning the damn thing, two weeks after everyone else has stopped caring.
They might not have a love-hate relationship with Gonzaga. Or a hate-hate relationship with The Tarheels. They might not have gotten misty-eyed when Coach K retired.
But here at The American Bystander we’re different. We understand you.
We know “Cinderella” isn’t just a fairy tale; it happens every year and it’s always magical.
Come join us. Fill out your bracket here. The deadline is 11:30am EST, Thursday March 21, 2024.
Password: Hoops&Humor2024
Welcome to The Big Dance. I’ll be there. Bracket: Fox Bracketology. Username: FutureMrsExJayWright.
