Well, hello there. Or should I say: Hello! Hello! Hello!! That’s a very special personal hello for each of you! How lovely that it’s just you three today! You know, I actually said a prayer this morning, when I was able to break away from the cumbersome entourage of press, PR people, hangers-on and well-wishers who follow me absolutely everywhere, that only a small handful of very special people would attend tonight. And my prayers were answered!
I don’t usually like to bad-mouth anyone behind their backs but I feel comfortable enough with you three to confide that I have it on good authority that some of the people who didn’t show up here tonight are, well… they are dicks. I’m sorry to speak in such harsh terms, but it’s a simple statement of fact. And I use the word in the pejorative sense, not interchangeable with that body part known as a penis.
For instance, I heard from a very reliable source that one of the women who backed out of coming tonight is at home right now finishing Book 4 of the Twilight saga. You all know as well as I do that a woman who made it through over 2,000 pages of that bullshit couldn’t keep up with a group of people like us!
Okay! I am eager to get started! Just as soon as that short guy in the radio station T-shirt who is kind of hovering in the back decides if I am worth a few minutes of his valuable time. And… he’s waving goodbye! Let’s all wave goodbye to him. You know, I had a bad feeling about him from the minute I laid eyes on him. Never trust a man wearing radio station swag.
Poor sad little man.
Anyway, now that it’s just officially us three… well, five if we count the manager of this wonderful bookstore and her delightful life-partner who worked so hard to make the enormous sign of my name that you see behind me. My only regret is that they didn’t make it even bigger because I never really feel comfortable in front of an audience of three without a sign big enough to double as an IMAX screen. Hahaha. No. Seriously, I was only kidding. It’s very VERY big! But I guess it had to be to offset the enormous pyramid of my unsold books someone took great pains to carefully assemble beneath it! Nice work, everyone! Kudos!
But getting back to the five of us, for a minute: Five is such a magical number. It’s the third prime number. And that, as you know, is not nothing! Well, hello! It looks like someone else is going to join us! Welcome, young lady! Please have a seat, if you can find one! I know you don’t have the faintest idea who I am, but if you give me a few minutes of your time, I will try to prove to you that I… Wait! Where are you going? Are you sure? Everyone wave goodbye to … she looks like a ‘Liz’ to me. Or a Jenna. Goodbye Jenna. Unstable myopic wraith.
It’s a pity she couldn’t stay, but just between us, she clearly wasn’t our caliber. Though she gave me a good idea! The next person who sneaks in here late… when I clear my throat, how about if we all turn to look at them with big frozen smiles and then say, in unison: “Welcome! We’ve been waiting for you!” If we do it correctly, we will be able to give them nightmares for months!
Oh, damn. I think my time is almost up. It’s not? Would you mind double-checking with the World Clock or the National Institute of Standards and Technology, to make sure the time on your phone is correct? I’m fairly certain I’ve been up here for several hours.
While I wait for those results, I’d like to share something rather personal. You know, I try to look at everything as a learning experience. And in many ways, the awkwardness of this situation, if in fact it is somewhat awkward, is really a lesson in having the proper perspective. Because when you think of all the worse things could have happened…for instance being jailed as a spy for stealing a poster in North Korea and sentenced to 15 years’ hard labor in a prison camp so brutal that you have to forage for rodents and wigs to keep from starving! Though even as I’m imagining this, I’m aware what a relative godsend the North Korean prison camp scenario would be for me in terms of a PR push for my next much more popular book. As far as I know, no one has done a wry look at North Korean prison camps yet.
Anyway, since we’re a small group and the moments we’ve shared here have allowed us to grow so close, does anyone mind if I skip the actual reading and we do something different instead? I’ll buy each of you a copy of my book in exchange for helping me with something I’ve always wanted to try. The fact that you’re sitting here on a Wednesday night at dinnertime in the dead of winter tells me you have nothing else to do anyway.
Here’s what I’m thinking: How many of you have been hypnotized? Since I’m not actually a trained hypnotist, what we’re going to do is count backward from fifty. If you don’t feel anything by twenty-five, simply drop your head forward anyway and pretend that you’re under my spell. It’ll make me feel really powerful, and after the hit my ego has taken this evening, I think I deserve it, don’t you?
Then, when I snap my fingers and give the command, if you would all jump up from your chairs and pretend to be a bantam rooster. All I need is some generic strutting and a few crowing noises. No need to go on too long. Just until I clap my hands twice. What do you care, right? You’re never going to see me again. I can promise you I won’t ever be coming back to this city, even by accident.
Let’s begin. Everyone count backward from fifty, forty-nine, forty-eight… Hey, come back here, ladies. No fair leaving until I clap my hands twice.
If this spoke to you—and frankly, that would explain a lot—you might enjoy Issue 30. Pre-order now, then browse the archive like it’s a sparsely attended séance.
