“Father, I cannot tell a lie. I chopped down the cherry tree.
Also, I’m the one who set the puppies and the kittens on fire.
Also, I copped a feel from Aunt Esmeralda while she was pouring tea.
Also, I gave Grandpa Arnold turpentine and told him it came from your liquor cabinet.
Also, I had sex with Cousin Alice.
Also, after Alice got sick, I had sex with her mule.
Also, I shot your favorite horse, cooked it, and shared it with the Indians.
Also, I French-kissed a salamander just to see what it was like.
Also, I stole the money you keep in the drawer and used it to buy funny-smelling cigarettes from a sailor.
Also, sometimes I dress in girls’ clothes when no one is looking.
Also, I read page 62 of Lady Chatterley’s Lover out loud to Mother.
Also, I told Aunt Abigail that my penis is bigger than a cucumber.
Also, I performed bodily acts known only in China with various members of the militia.
Also, I tripped Old Man Burns while he was carrying eggs for the orphanage.
Also, I tied the school principal to a tree and pushed on him until he passed gas.
Also, I described my bodily functions in great detail to one of our slaves.
Also, on Sundays, I let the pastor do strange things to my ankles.
Also, I paid the old witch in the swamp to put a curse on the kids who laugh at my haircut.
Also, I robbed the general store and made the owner try to eat one of his saddles.
Also, I made number two on my teacher’s desk after he told me I had to take an exam again.
Also, I tried to guess what Mary Smith’s breasts look like.
Also, I asked Mary Smith if I could touch her breasts and when she slapped me, I spit at her.
Also, when the army marched through town, I paid them to step on old lady Millicent.
Also, I put a snake up Grandma Lucille’s nose after she had passed out from laughing at Grandpa Oscar’s limp.
Also, I wrote a dirty inscription in the family bible which involved a carrot.
Also, instead of churning the butter, I churned some little kid from town who I didn’t know.
Also, I asked Doc Jones if he knew how to remove a rolling pin from my large intestine.
Also, I stole his stethoscope so I could hear you and Mother having sex through the wall.
Also, I went to the town library and looked up all the dirty words Uncle Preston uses.
Also, I set up a bordello in the barn and overcharged Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson.
Also, I tried to stuff a hibernating bear into the outhouse.
Also, I told little sister the bogeyman would get her and when she cried, I threw her out the window.
Also, instead of doing my homework after school, I hid behind the haystack and tried to tickle a turtle.
Also, I fed a live rooster to a coyote and then looked at someone’s feet.
Also, when you said someday I might be president of the country, I laughed so hard that I wet my pants all the way up to the drawstring.
Also, I chopped down an apple tree, too.
And a pear tree.
In fact, I chopped down every tree I could find anywhere.”
“Son, I’m very proud of you for not telling a lie.”
ED SUBITZKY was a stalwart of The National Lampoon and its Radio Hour, and later appeared frequently on Letterman. Currently, he also contributes to The Journal of Consciousness Studies.
This piece originally appeared in The American Bystander Issue #9, available here.
